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Can't Catch Me

Sep. 14th, 2005 05:32 pm I am not ok

I am not ok,
My heart feels like it has been torn out of my chest.
I can't do this anymore, I want to be with him. I can't do this.
the only way I am ok is if I can come home to him.
I want my old life back, I want Danny back.
I am not ok,
I thought about it all.
I looked at the pictures,
and then I felt it in my gut.
It will only hurt more, get wosers.

why wasn't I there?
What THE FUCK IS WRONGE WITH ME!
It's my fault.

whats wose is I hurt him,
I hate myself,
FUCK FREEDOM - I want to be with him.
I don't care about freedom of college.

I am happy that I am seeing sam this weekend, we can be there for each other.

Life is fucking worthless with out him...

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: breath me- by Sea

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Sep. 7th, 2005 01:48 pm meet Jacub

 

Meet Jacob.

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: jenie young

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Aug. 25th, 2005 04:10 am

Where have you gone, my rosealia
Into the crowd, he’ll never find ’ya
If you walk real fast, and you stay down low
So many times, so many chances
This one could be your last

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the fighting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

What has he done, my senorita
His kind of love is gonna kill ’ya
Do ’ya fake a smile, when you dodge the blows?
So many times, so many chances
This one could be your last

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the hurting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

Jealousy - can rip your heart out
And jealousy - can turn a hand into a fist--

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the fighting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Hay hay
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
My rosealia
My rosealia

Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealia

 I would give anything to hear Sam singing this song to me right about now. I miss Danny more and more these days, I feel like when am I going to get to go home to him. It's like I already finished school, and got an apartment, found a job, and a partner <3 and had my close friends and my family. So... what am I doing hear?

I wonder how Tom, it doing these days. I miss him, he is in Rushia, and it makes me sad. I still have truble thinking that Will is married. Jerimy R is a real nice guy, nothing compared to Danny though. I wonder how Speilman is doing? I did see a Crossman show, I should have called him when I went, but  I didn't know what to say. I saw Kimmy posted something so I wrote to her, still no reply.

I went to a peice vidual today, for students for Isreal and Palistine, I guess it is a step in the right direction. I have so much hate you know? I have so much hate that I am ashamed, I mean, I just, Yahoota is gone, and it is their fault, those fucking... I have so much hate and I need to let it go. I took the first step I went to the vidual, I lit the candle, I sholk hands not knowing who was on what side, I broke bread with them and eat hummas and drank tea. But I could not bring myself to put my name down on the Palistine list, one step at a time. one day at a time, I will overcome this hate. I have too.

On a lighter note today I got to buy a pair of angle wings for $17, talk to Danny <3, spend time with Una. I didn't go to the frat party, they are all scetchy, and dull. Princeton spolies you for that typ of stuff with their wet bars and all. I guess I never know how good I had it.

I want to give my brother and parents a call and see how they are. I miss them. Well it is close to 4:30 and I think the kitten and I are going to go to bed. Good night all.

-ZzZzZzZzZz

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: roselea

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Aug. 23rd, 2005 04:59 am first few days of college at AU any way

( I wrote this a few days ago)

I feel that my life has yet again taken a turn to a 60% angle. Less then 10 days ago, I found myself in the center of Manhattan celebrating Sam's 26th birthday with his friends and Rachel, drinking, smoking up, eating, and sleeping in the same room. My little nest nestled in this world. Then 9 days ago, I find myself on the road to Atlantic city with Mark Daniels, Clare, and Danny, to gamble the night away. 8 days ago I found myself nestled in Danny and my bed intertwined.3 days ago, I was meeting up with Mark at Wawa, hugging, eating, speeding in his car and talking our way out of tickets. Now I find myself alone, well not quite at AU... going on the metro, meeting, talking, bonding, eating, unpacking, running around dupant square, faced with temptations. I am simultaneously lost, and alone, yet... SO happy, SO free, SO surrounded by nice new people.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my life.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I feel so exalted to have this new found freedom. But the price is such a sharp pang of loneliness. The last 24 hours has been a mess, first I needed to take Una to the hospital in the middle of the night on an emergency transport. I was woken up today by my mom with the entire MW and D thing. (this whole stalker thing). I spoke to Danny today things have been rough there. I miss him. I love him. I longed in my heart of hearts to be held bye him all night long. Or even for one of those Mark, and Sam hugs that make my sole feel loved.
I called Danny at 4 AM and I called Sam, just hear there voices on their voce mail brought me close to tears, I must have called both numbers several times just enjoying that they sounded like. I really need a hug today from a person who truly cares about me.
I ended up drinking some votga in a friends room tonight at around 1, I wish I hadn’t. Danny is right it is all shit, I will not do it again, pulse it only is fun when you do it with your close friends. At least I hit it off with Jeremy.

I love you and miss you all
I had a dream about Tom and Aidan last night,strange.

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Aug. 17th, 2005 02:10 am I miss Lisa

I miss Lisa, I wish that we were back at ILC.

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Jul. 29th, 2005 03:33 am blah

BLAH,
I wana just be.

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

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Jul. 12th, 2005 01:39 am this is what it is all about (summer 2005)

this is what it is all about.
this is the garden of Eden.
(and I don't care if I spelled it right)

It's about waking up in my lovers arms every morning. Being intagled, engolfed in their love.

It's about haveing my parents love me and apreshate me.
being in the right place at the right time.

It's about bumming it and being all heart with my friend Sam.
Dancing and hearing and spending time with rachel.
being a fly in a web of friendship.

It's about long drives to the beach with you,
singing, car dancing, making love.

It's about seeing wills smiling face in his truck window.
jumping with him and Ellaina and Danny into the pool.
as we discover jelly fish and starfish.

intelectual conversations with Mark and others.

It's about total and utter love- apreshation-serenity- trust.

it's about summer 2005.

This is what it's all about

Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: romantic mix

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Jun. 18th, 2005 09:38 pm My inocents

 I can pack up all of my inocents in 1 hour and 15 min movie. Robin-hood. The original one... the one with the fox's the Disney one. When I was a child it was my fav movie, Robin was my hero. I dressed up as Made Mirriam for hallowen and my friend Jeff was Robin, and everyone else on the play ground joind in and. I loved it. I was a child you know. I had so manyfriends. I didn't know about Lerning Differences, or Rape, even things at home weren't bad. 
I guess when I saw the icon I wanted to say something about it. It warmed my heart.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

there has been alot going on latly, Danny is comming, things at work, Sam and Rachel, Meriam, Hunter college highschool, gangs, so many things.

Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: svu law and Order... show

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Jun. 15th, 2005 11:21 pm this song ripped my heart out

Where have you gone, my rosealia
Into the crowd, he’ll never find ’ya
If you walk real fast, and you stay down low
So many times, so many chances
This one could be your last

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the fighting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

What has he done, my senorita
His kind of love is gonna kill ’ya
Do ’ya fake a smile, when you dodge the blows?
So many times, so many chances
This one could be your last

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the hurting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

Jealousy - can rip your heart out
And jealousy - can turn a hand into a fist--

You say no no no, the fighting has left you tired
You say no no no, but the fighting goes on

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Put on your mask, my rosealia

Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
Hay hay
Put on your mask, wearin’ your cape
My rosealia
My rosealia

Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealeh rosealia
Rosealia

Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: this song

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Jun. 8th, 2005 03:08 am where do you go

where do you go one the one person who truly knows you,
who knows you better then you know yourself
who truly sees you for what they are tells you to... fuck off?
when they truly don't love you?
What if you love them.
what then.

tell me...
is this what hell is?

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